Four
I told him once. We were sitting at on an old green bench. Rain was coming and I told him that he smelt like rain. When rain crashes on the surface and the mud stings your nostrils. He smelt of it. He held my hand and smiled.
I have burnt all our pictures.
It’s his birthday.
In four minutes I am going to kill myself.
It’s been four months since I could get any real sleep.
I can’t sleep.
My room is silent except for the constant clatter of outside traffic and the stupid voices inside my head.
Can you stop whispering? Just for a few seconds.
Three minutes
In three minutes I will pop these dozens of small pills into my mouth. They’re pink, orange and green.
Green is his favorite color
When you take an extra dosage of sleeping pills your lungs will collapse. It’s called pneumothorax.
We are lying on his bed. It’s small and extremely comfortable. He loves when I lie on top of him. He’s taller than I am and I fit in. he enjoys tickling my toes with his own. I tell him to stop.
“What are you going to do if I don’t? “He says
“You’ve asked for it mister!” I climb on top of him and I rub my nose against his. He hates it when I do that. I can’t stop laughing; he blinks his eyes and sneezes. He smiles. I know that smile from a mile away. It’s when he can’t have enough of me. He pushes me on my back and starts tickling me. I can’t stop laughing. It’s hard to breath.
I haven’t smiled in four months.
I can’t say everything was perfect. We had our fights and are no talking days but there was always that late night phone call.
I could never say something when I felt something.
But I always told him.
And he always told me that he loved me.
I have never been secure.
He loved to grow his beard. He knew that I hated it and I would threaten to shave it off. So one day at home, he gave me a razorblade and told me that I had my chance.
I loved the way he sketched maps on my face.
Two minutes
And then we had that summer break. He wanted to go and intern at some company in another city for two months.
I was happy for him and he was excited. We made our promises. A call everyday, Messages on the mobile phone. Electronic letters and time to chat whenever possible. It would be the first time we would be apart for so long.
But as everything passed, there were no phone calls there were no e- mails there was just this never ending stilted sound of silence
It says many things
It says that somebody stopped talking to somebody else
It says that for the countless seconds in each hour at each day I wished that he would call. Even just to say that he missed me
It says that every time I woke up in the middle of the night, I would have tears in my eyes.
In three months I never got to see his face
And when college opened and when I hoped there would tears and hugs and kisses. I got two minutes.
I got two minutes of conversation with him
I got two minutes to see him extremely happy
I got two minutes of seeing that it was only me who was emotionally wrecked.
I got two minutes and then he had a class, which he didn’t want to miss.
I got two minutes and two days and then he broke up with me.
But you know
Whatever we have done in the last one year will mean nothing in the next one minute.
I am gulping down these colored pills. My best friends
In sixty seconds I will feel extremely dizzy. Some part of my lung tissue will start collapsing.
If the oxygen supply to the vital organs is seriously diminished, life will be put at risk. Death can occur within minutes
It’s what I hope for
Each time now that I will breath, the problem will get worse
My skin is turning pale.
I don’t know what to write to anybody before I go.
But with every passing moment I realize with enormous disgust that if he even called up right now, I would still go back to him
It’s what love does to you
I feel weak now. My hand are shaking
Four more pills and it’s all over
He has a new girlfriend now. I hope he’s happy
I really mean that.
I can’t breathe.
It has started to rain and the phone is ringing.
But it doesn’t matter.
And one day I realized that the person who felt like an angel to me had just become human.
-Ali Sultan
Dolphin says:
Short story aye!….It’s a good one.
April 30th, 2006 at 02:30 pm
Dolphin says:
somehow i feel very sad reading about it…
April 30th, 2006 at 02:31 pm
madhavi says:
gosh!…the nuances of a relationship…and after…
yes, …there is that sinking feeling inside!
May 1st, 2006 at 12:24 pm
Neha says:
i wish i could say something intelligent right now. but my feelings choke me. Angels do fall… dont they?
May 3rd, 2006 at 10:56 am
B says:
Why does love do this to us…evrytime, sometime, all the time….?
May 3rd, 2006 at 04:18 pm